What no one tells you about miscarriage...

I was only a few weeks into our second pregnancy when the spotting began. I was confused, anxious and ready for answers. While waiting to get in to see my doctor to confirm what I feared, I spent countless hours on the internet searching. As you know this is the sure fire way to make yourself crazy!

It has been only four short months since our miscarriage and I am finally feeling up for discussing it. I must warn you, this will be very real. During my search for comfort and support, I found there is very little information about how physically terrible this process can be for some women even at very early stages of pregnancy. While I know everyone has a different experience, the truth is, those who had a miscarriage like myself are not sharing enough. If I knew then what I know now, I would have made different choices when given the options.

It can take longer then you think. In total we had done three ultrasounds before eight weeks to check on the concerns I had. I am sure they thought I was crazy. I just knew something was wrong, unfortunately I was right. Our sweet baby had stopped growing at 7 1/2 weeks. In our despair we were offered a few choices to complete the miscarriage- medication to speed the process along, a D&C, or allow mother nature to take it's course. We opted to continue the journey as it began and allow my body to process and heal on it's own. I felt since we were several days into things it couldn't be much longer. Everything I found on the internet said it would be like a heavy period & cramping. I can handle that. I have had a child before. So we went home. It wasn't until four days later that it intensified and even still another week until it was completed. The truth for me was the process took almost two weeks to complete. I hope no one feels the emotional pain of carrying a baby you will never meet for the better half of a month.

I can be incredibly physically worse then a menstrual cycle. I am so incredibly thankful that I had my miscarriage after the birth of my daughter. There was so much that your body goes through during that process- from labor, through delivery, and recovery. I am thankful that some of that muscle memory kicked in. So when the sharp pains in my back began my immediate thought was "oh I know this feeling, this is back labor". These were not cramping like you know during that time of the month, these were contractions.

It can be very scary. I can see why some women end up in the emergency room thinking they are hemorrhaging and can die. After about thirty minutes or so of the back pain, I felt what can only be described as my water breaking. It was the same sensation of a water balloon popping inside you. The difference this time, it was all blood. I continued to "labor" on the toilet and passed what would have been our beautiful child. I thought the worst was over, but an hour later it all started again. This time it was what was left of the placenta. Again, not knowing what this process is like when you have the very best outcome of meeting your newborn, I would have been scared out of my mind with what was happening to my body.

Bottomline, this is a devastating situation no matter how it unfolds for you. My hope is that anyone looking for information will understand there are so many many variations that you might experience. This is a very emotional process and I believe that's why those who also have a very traumatic miscarriage don't discuss it as openly. I wish my doctor had told me how awful it could become, even if through the tears I wouldn't quite comprehend. I feel very deceived by the lack of information available, although I understand how personal it is.

Just know you are not alone. You are strong. You will be ok, even though it will leave you a bit scarred.